If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
