I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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