My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
