In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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