Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
