I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
