dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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