You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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