Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
