dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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