Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
