i don't plan on having that self control this summer
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
