Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
