Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
