He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
