Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
