OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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