I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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