I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
