Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
