yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
