The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
