Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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