Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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