I'm eating all of the evidence.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
