if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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