I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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