Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
