she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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