I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I look excited, but its just a facade.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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