I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
