you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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