I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
