Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
