She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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