Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
