If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
