now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
