i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
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he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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