I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
