I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
