Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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