I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize