i just had sex bonerless
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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