I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You can't just leave with hair like that
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
