Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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