Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
