i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
