is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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