I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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