checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
