if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
