I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
