so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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