After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
