The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
being pregnant is like rehab
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
