Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
