I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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