dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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