She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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