So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
