What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
not ubering you a puppy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
