Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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